Before the portal, Arias journal 06/02

Still feel like shit. What am I supposed to do now, I feel disgusted with myself. This is wrong, I’m wrong, these people are wrong. I took advantage of somebody under a trance who was traumatized. Yes he shouldn’t have tried to make the villagers into monsters but he deserves revenge. He should be able to do SOMETHING to those who harmed him. In a world like this there’s no being the better person, karma doesn’t exist, the gods don’t care about us. Nothing happens to those who wrong others. They always get away with it. I became an adventurer to try and make the world a better place, in some minuscule way. But I ended up protecting those who had done wrong. What makes me better than the Justice system that turns a blind eye to an abuser. I’m enforcing this status quo, but he needed to be stopped.

What would I have done if he had gone a different route in revenge? I realize something. He was also a corrupt person. He hurt the carnival workers and Edgar. He shouldn’t have hurt other people in the pursuit of his own justice. So I get to hurt him? Is this how this works? Not a sarcastic statement I’m really wondering. It’s a slippery slope. This might be justifiable, but what next? Where do I draw the line. Why do I get to draw the line? This is too edgy but, ugh! I can’t get over this! Fuck me, what do I do? My chest really hurts, cmon calm down. I’m okay I’m okay i didn’t make a mistake I’m safe no one is after me

Gods i need to get out of here now. I can’t face what I did. No I have to, I couldn’t live with myself if I ran away. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much to stay. I need to do this, I need to make this right somehow. How the fuck do I do that? What am I supposed to do? Just tell the townspeople they’re wrong for what they did? Tell raven that he shouldn’t have turned the circus workers into monsters? I mean, it’s the most straightforward solution. Might get kicked out of town but at this point the adrenaline has gotten to my head and I don’t care. I need to do this, I have to try.

My heart is going to explode. They said they were wrong, and that they were sorry. The townsfolk are going to apologize to Raven and try to make it up to him. The people seemed to know what I was going to talk to them about and they all kinda look ashamed. I don’t know what is going to happen to Raven, what will his sentence be? Can I leave this demon town yet? Do I stay to make sure the trial goes smoothly and that it is a fair one? Do I go check on Edgar? I don’t know but at least for right now I will go into the woods and rest, gods know I need it.