Aria’s Journal 06/24

[000Curiosity]

On a scale from 1-10 this day was like a 4/10. Didn’t do as well as I thought I could and should. I’ve been so consumed by guilt, rage, and distress recently. I also haven’t been feeling well. I’ve tried looking into ways that I can help the innocent trapped in DeJardin lands but I can’t figure out how to get in or even where they would be keeping the horde. Im so useless. My old therapist would tell me that I shouldn’t say that I am something, I should instead say I am feeling something. But the way I see it is that if you are something, then you are. I am useless to this cause. Everyone else here is much better suited towards war and helping the refugees. My heal takes far too long and only heals a little. I’m rather poor at fighting, that was proven today. Things they call kobolds here (which are more like Kuo-Toa in my world) were coming into town and created a fake god. I’m such a dunce that I tried to fight it instead of the kobolds creating it. I couldn’t even take out one of them.
With my track record I’m surprised I was approached by two different people for mission regarding ways to fight the DeJardin. I know I say this a lot but if I had a copper for every time I was approached by someone about a semi shady mission that seemed kinda fishy I’d have two copper, which isn’t much but weird it happened twice, especially in the same day. I want to help more. I need to be more in order to help.
How can I be more? I don’t know. I’m having doubts about who I am. Not in a, “I don’t know who I am way” more in a “I don’t think I want to be me” kinda way. Well the easiest way to change is by starting a list of things I want to change about myself so let’s start there. I don’t like how weak I am, physically and mentally. I don’t like how I sing, it should have more personality to it and be more distinguished. I don’t like my conversation style, I come off as too arrogant and rude. I don’t like my body, I feel slimy and like I take up too much space. I don’t like how I constantly need to move my body, I need to be more steady and stop fidgeting. I don’t like how I fight. I don’t like my smile, it’s too large. I don’t like my laugh it’s too loud and sounds like I’m just quickly inhaling and exhaling. Of course there’s so much more I could go into but it’s good to start small on these kinds of things. Someone had mentioned to me that I had changed since I first arrived, personality wise. I wonder if they had liked the previous Aria better. I might need to ask. I was quieter back then, scared. I don’t like being scared but if it’s what people prefer then that’s what I’ll do. I’ll start working on my smile in the morning, see if I can look less like me.

Aria Blue

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